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February 15, 2005
tj 308: when "we" is spelled m-e?
in a sound--for both body and mind, & i'm applauding, not complaining!--moment of genius agreeability, my brave, esteemed, and wonderful co-teacher has allowed herself to be convinced that in order to recover fully from her traumatic event, she needs to let herself do it gradually, and that to do it gradually means not trying to do everything at once, and that to not do everything at once means to stop doing at least one of the things she's over-committed to, and that the most logical of the things she's over-committed to to stop doing is co-teaching 308 with me.
"m"s & "w"s have a lot in common, especially if you're a dyslexic child.
there's a lot they won't have in common in the real-live application of me taking over this course single-handed, which i'm not quite sure right now whether i'm doing or not. i've offered. i want to. but it's a department, see, with lots of smart, experienced people in it, & it tends to try to involve several of them, & not just one sometimes-hasty grad student to make these kinds of decisions.
if i get to keep the course, single-handed, i won't be, of course. no one in a good program--and for all i bitch, this really is a good program--ever is. "we get to carry each other." if it's just me officially in charge, i'll still have becky on board (i should make a diamond-shaped sticker to that effect, & affix it to everything i own), because she's my fpp advisor--overseeing & advising my teaching endeavors is already one of the other things she's over-committed to. & she's quite willing to help with the planning & the idea-bouncing & the rationalizing & explaining that'll go on behind the scenes. i'll be supported, thoroughly. i'm not at all afraid of being stranded.
i'm more afraid, really, that i'll be asked to either hand the course over or take on another partner.
the first idea upsets me for a combination of selfish & altruistic reasons: i want having taught an upper division course on my resume when i leave here; i also don't want to disrupt these students, who've been great so far about flexing with our ever-changing demands, any further. they've done their part, & then some. i'd like things to fall into & stay in a rhythm for them. i'd like to make that happen, & be continuous, & allow them to finally relax into knowing what to expect next week & having a sense of how they're being judged & how much risk they're safe to take. and--i'm not sure which category this fits into, really--i really want to see where this is going. just because i don't have a detailed plan yet doesn't mean i don't have a lot invested in the outcome. i'm desperately curious. i stand to learn a thousand things. i want to be there to do the learning.
the second idea upsets me primarily because it would completely dissolve the veil. i don't know what i'm doing in this course, although i do think i'm at least almost as qualified as anybody else here to puzzle along with it. i can keep rolling the ball i've started in motion, & see where it goes, & stay just one step behind it, & guide it like a soccer ball all the way down the field. i learned to dribble when i was eight, & i haven't forgotten; i got to practice kicking lumps of ice down the sidewalk w/j just a handful of days ago. but i can't see far enough ahead to explain, to ask for help in an intelligent way, to really include anybody else in where i am right now. so asking someone in--not just to observe, but to co-create--won't be much different from relinquishing the whole project altogether, except for how i'd still have lots of work to do.
would i, honest-moment, be relieved if someone took it away & said "you have enough to do; we'll handle this"? to a degree, yes; i saw that relief on becky's face today & felt a little twinge of envy. but there are burdens i'd far prefer to have lifted, if burden-lifting were an open option... and the regret would be by far the bigger burden.
listening to:
Posted by ttobryan at February 15, 2005 06:42 PM