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March 30, 2005
paradoxical
i am becoming, at this particular moment (it happens infrequently, but not so much as to be an unrecognizeable phenomenon), a writing teacher who hates writing.
the exigency of the situation for which i am currently writing is inauthentic, for starters, and while i know i still haven't solved the puzzle of how to spare my students the same plight, at least (a) i try to get them doing it with things they care about, so that they have edification as potential gratification & not just completion, and (b) they don't yet know any better anyway; they still believe that "because it was assigned" is reason enough. i am not so unaware, and neither is the assignment writer for whom i'm undertaking (okay, right this minute, avoiding) these gymnastics.
frankly, though, the question of authenticity bugs me less than the overwhelming improbability of my work's positive reception. i know enough to know where this will land, no matter what i stretch or pound it into, and it's damn hard to motivate like that.
i'm actually thinking this, as a means of self-encouragement: "you may as well crank out any old crap; [he/she] is going to trash it anyway."
this isn't dour moodiness, for the record, just an accurate appraisal of the situation. if one has to wonder about my mental state, one should wonder why i'm still at this business, anyway.
Posted by ttobryan at March 30, 2005 06:54 PM
Comments
I'm sympathetic, and empathetic. I've also come to hate writing - but worse, I've lost my "voice." Can't find a decent academic voice, can't find my creative voice, can't even find my editorial voice. I'm hoping for a summer of restoration. :)
Posted by: Chris Geyer at March 31, 2005 09:44 AM