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April 09, 2006
excuses
the strikes in the entry below are because i crapped out on the oswego conference. i feel bad about this, for myriad reasons: my advisor expected me to go, and to be brilliant, and to represent her & my school well, & also to keep her company & see her present, & i've done none of those things. plus, the organizer of the conference had lost one panelist already--from my panel, it turned out--& when i bailed lost the third as well, b/c (as you can imagine) the fellow didn't want to be a panel all by his lonesome. negative karma for letting people down is piling up all along my shoulders, guilt & black ooze & where's mulder now? it's also bad to pass up opportunities for professional development, and (don't lie) CV lines, and chances to meet cool people with whom you might want to work later. it's worse to stand up & thus let down those same people, who will likely then not want to work with you later.
it's not bad, though, to take a few obstacles out of one's path when one's already stumbling into everything a little wildly & with a great likelihood of smashing something or something else by accident, & it's also not bad to practice saying "i'm sorry, no," once in a while. (maybe someday we'll graduate to without-the-sorry, but that day's a long way off if it's coming at all.)
overall the guilt is winning. it often does. i'd say i'd been catholic in one too many of my past lives if catholics believed in past lives. as it is, i'll have to stick with i'm always dodging one burden for another, & all in all that's really okay; i don't know what to do with myself when i've got nothing to carry. & at the moment, i've got plenty.
Posted by ttobryan at 07:11 PM | Comments (1)